A Few Words on Spiritual Bypassing and Influencer Culture…

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The topic of spiritual bypassing has been on my mind for a long time now. It’s one of the MANY reasons I’ve grown so allergic to social media over the past few years, and it’s also something that I’ve come across within the various “spiritual healing” communities that I’ve interacted with over the past decade or so. As a spiritual seeker myself who has attended many healing ceremonies both IRL and online, I’ve been dismayed at witnessing the breathtaking lack of deep healing work by some of the folks out there marketing themselves as spiritual healers, life coaches, and yes even psychotherapists and psychologists. This means they’re out there, serving you and me as “healers” when they’ve avoided dealing with their own unhealed wounds.
Is this who you want to be taking advice from?

Here’s a nugget of truth for you: everyone born on this planet is in need of healing of some sort at one point or another. Not one of us is immune. Yup. I realize that’s not a sexy statement. But it’s the truth.

Here’s another nugget: there are plenty of so-called “healers” out there who have avoided doing their own repair work, yet are really charismatic marketers with huge online followings. Why does this concern me so much? Well, when you’ve worked with as many clients as I have who’ve come to you in tears because the advice they’ve been given by their previous coach/therapist/healer is damaging, you sit up and take notice. I often find myself spending the first few sessions helping my clients unlearn a lot of what they had assumed was carefully curated advice by someone they trusted or viewed as a subject matter expert. And don’t even get me started on the heartbreaking stories of clients who’ve come to me needing to process psychological, emotional, physical and/or sexual traumas inflicted on them by the very unregulated but very popular healers they sought help from. I offer free consults before working with any client; and I’m continuously amazed/saddened that in all my years of practice, I’ve only ever had ONE potential client ask me the most important question of all: “Do you have your own therapist, Sandy?”
Of course the answer is HELLLLLLLLLLL YA!!!!

This past weekend, after listening to a few episodes of the “Kumbaya Confessional” podcast (which I HIGHLY recommend, as it touches on the problematic themes within what the podcaster terms as the “WooSphere”), I went down the rabbit hole of reviewing, with discernment, all the accounts and hashtags that I’d been following on my social media platforms. It’s an exercise I recommend everyone practice regularly. Energy is everywhere around us, and it’s important for each of us to be more mindful of the content we’re ingesting because each post, each photo, each video, each comment on each social media post leaves an energetic imprint on our mind, body and spirit, even if unconsciously.

As a trained mind-body-spirit helping professional, I felt compelled to address this topic head on. Over the past few years (and goodness, especially over the past year during Covid times!), I’ve noticed an explosion of social media posts that espouse toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing as veritable, one-size fits all solutions to ALL! YOUR!! PROBLEMS!!!! I’ve been watching the plethora of such distressing content, truth be told with the same level of dismay one would give to watching an accident about to happen in slow motion.

Truth bomb: there is a LOT of really positive-sounding, yet pithily trite advice from “influencers” right here on this platform as well as across all social media; a lot of them have millions of followers and are seemingly quite successful. Yes, I’m all for freedom of expression and creativity. The year 2020 brought me a lot of lessons; and one of them is that we are living in THE time for digital content creators to shine and thrive and offer their services! This is a good thing. These digital platforms we have access to afford us the opportunity to spread information far and wide (within mere seconds!) around this beautiful blue planet. It’s an exciting time for those of us who like to create and share! Especially those of us who see our roles as healers in service to humanity. However, stepping into such roles comes with a weight of responsibility because what you put out into the world will be the advice that dozens, hundreds, thousands or millions of people will read and accept as gospel for years to come. Because it’s preserved ON THE INTERNET. ForEVER. Anyone can create a pretty and profound-sounding yet pithy meme filled with toxic problematic advice that will not only NOT help you achieve your goals, but will keep you in stuckness because it encourages you to spiritually bypass your actual, real-life problems.

So. What to do, you ask?

I invite you to be more discerning with what you’re taking in online. And I encourage you to continuously ask yourself whether you are engaging in any toxic, spiritually bypassing behaviour yourself. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Are you discerning the content you’re ingesting, day after day? Scroll after scroll?

How is that content making you feel?

Is that content offering you temporary escapism while you continue ignoring what’s right in front of you?

Have you been ignoring dealing with your SELF? The self inside that houses both light AND shadow?

Be honest: have you been all “GOOD VIBES ONLY!” and “LOVE AND LIGHT!” while ignoring your Shadow inside?

Have you been avoiding doing your deep healing work because you’ve convinced yourself that taking advice from memes instead of checking-in with your Self, studying self-help books (and applying their teachings to your life) and/or working with a trained mental health professional to help guide you along your healing journey is the easier path?

Have you asked yourself who you’ve been taking advice from online (and what their qualifications are)?

Have you asked your guru/healer what efforts they’ve been taking to actively heal from their own wounds?

And after you’ve heard their answer, did you check in with your gut/intuition to discern whether their answer makes sense to you?

Most important of all, have you been hindering your personal growth by spiritually bypassing?

_{Sandy Kiaizadeh is a Registered Psychotherapist, Life Coach and Spiritual Healer at Toronto’s Mindful Solutions Clinic. For more information about Sandy and her services, please visit http://www.mindfulsolutionsclinic.com.}

Discovering Your Self-Worth Despite Challenging Circumstances

Does life seem to be a struggle for you? Do you feel overwhelmed and frustrated much of the time? Do you wish you could experience something better? Fortunately, you can enjoy the exciting life you deserve. Success is available to you despite challenging circumstances. It’s important to remember, also, that your self-worth is not defined by your circumstances.

What holds you back?

Take some time today to question the beliefs you hold that limit your potential. If you look at a challenging circumstance as a wall that’s impossible to climb, you need a fresh perspective. Within you is everything you need to thrive and excel. The more you question the validity of your limiting beliefs, the more success you’ll experience in your life.

Think of a circumstance in your life that you believe is preventing you from something you want. Write it down, then get ready to challenge that limiting belief. If you do, you’ll begin to move toward the success you deserve.

Use these strategies to maintain positive self-worth, regardless of your circumstances:

1. Find the cause. What is the cause of the circumstance in your life? Sometimes, limiting beliefs can serve as warning signs that help you avoid danger. What can you learn from this so you avoid triggering a similar situation in the future? If the cause of your situation is unclear, ask friends and family for their input. Others see your life from a different perspective, and their input can be valuable in determining the root of your difficulty.

2. Get past the blame game. You can often be your own worst critic. But remember, negative self-talk often has very little basis in reality. Choose to replace the doubts of your inner critic with more productive thinking. Once a negative thought has taught you its intended lesson, it has served its purpose. If you choose to hold onto those negative thoughts, they will begin to form a negative self-image in your mind. This unbalanced view of your talents and strengths holds you back.  Instead of dwelling on negative thoughts about your circumstances, learn the lesson and resolve to move on. Find out what you can do differently to avoid a repeat of your present situation. Then, when negative thoughts enter your mind, choose to replace your self-talk with productive thoughts instead.

3. Cut yourself some slack. The practice of self-compassion means recognizing that you’re human. Everyone makes mistakes, but your attitude determines your altitude in life. You are valuable regardless of your present predicament. You are worthwhile even when you slip up or falter. Your circumstances simply provide feedback and an opportunity to learn and grow.

4. Make the most of it. When you recognize that you’re valuable despite your circumstances, you’ll begin to make the most of every opportunity. Stumbling blocks you face can become stepping stones to the success you deserve, simply by changing what you focus on. Instead of feeling helpless, ask yourself: “What’s great about this?” Every situation provides something of value if you look for it.

5. Ask for help. Loved ones and friends often see strengths in you that go without notice. Ask them what they believe your strengths are. This is where your self-worth is found. Everyone has something of value to contribute. Once you recognize your unique talents, gifts, and abilities, you’ll see life in a whole new way. You’ll seek opportunities to use your talents to bless others. You’ll gain confidence that comes from conquering challenges that once made you cringe. Instead of allowing your circumstances to dictate who you are, you’ll make the rules!

6. Live one day at a time. Despite your best efforts, some days simply provide one frustration after another. When this happens, you have a choice. You can let your circumstances defeat you, or you can choose a more positive perspective. There’s a wealth of benefit to the mindfulness practice of living each day moment by moment.

Resolve today to find your strengths, learn from your difficult circumstances, and experience the joy you were created to experience. Instead of tying your self-worth to your circumstances, choose to see things as they really are. You were created with unique talents and gifts. When you find those gifts within yourself and put them to use, you’ll know how valuable you truly are.

Find Your Purpose in a Few Minutes With a Few Questions

Toronto Mindful Solutions Clinic

It’s not easy to figure out how to spend the rest of your life. But, it doesn’t have to be extremely challenging either. By asking yourself a few, simple questions, you can learn enough about yourself to figure it all out. There may not be a 100% perfect answer, but you can figure out a great answer in a short amount of time.

 

What are you meant to do?

Consider these questions to help you determine your purpose:

1. What am I interested in? These can be things you like to do, learn about, and think about. What activities cause you to lose track of time? Make a list of your 10 favourite activities. Now, think of ways you can make a living in a related way. For example:

• If you love teaching, there are many ways to instruct others. You could be an actual teacher, a personal trainer, teach meditation classes, or be a sports coach.
• Do you love sports? Think coach, athletic trainer, gym teacher, and so on.

2. What do I want to learn more about? Is there a topic that fascinates you so much that you spend your free time learning more about it? You might be fascinated with astronomy or inventing a better mousetrap. What really piques your interest?

3. What am I naturally good at? Ideally, you can find something that you love that you also have a natural talent for. What are some things you do better than the average person? Make another list.

4. What did I want to do when I was a child? What did you dream about being when you were growing up? Sometimes your first ideas are the best ideas. Think about your childhood dreams and ask yourself why you chose that field. You might get a few clues.

5. What are my values? What is most important to you? Adventure? Helping others? Personal development? Overcoming challenges? Your purpose has to be aligned with your values.

6. What is my gut telling me? There’s a time for logic and reason. This might not be one of those times. Sometimes, the best choice doesn’t necessarily make a lot of sense. What is your soul trying to tell you? Listen.

7. Why? Why does a particular field appeal to me? If you understand that, you can find other options that might be more suitable to you. Supposed you have an interest in being a physician. Make a list of why that appeals to you:

• Help people
• Intellectually challenging
• Avoid an office environment
• Get respect from family and the general public
• Financially rewarding: Have nice things and retire early

Now… Ask yourself what else you could do that would meet those needs of yours. For example, you could volunteer on the weekend, you could learn to speak Mandarin, and you could become a successful real estate investor.

8. Choose. Making a choice can be scary. But if you’ve narrowed down your options, it’s hard to make a poor choice. Making no choice at all ensures that your life stays stuck.

It can be unsettling if you don’t know what to do with your life. So, spend a little time with yourself and figure it out. It’s important to make a decision, because the cost of never deciding is significant. Look to your values and preferences and you’ll find a life path that appeals to you. All it takes is asking yourself a few pertinent questions.

Top 6 Actions That Help You Achieve Your Goals

Toronto Mindful Solutions Clinic

If you’re tired of making resolutions and goals that you never accomplish, a new approach may help. Conventional mindset goals can fall apart for several reasons. Once you’re aware of why this happens, you can prevent it or fix it so you can be on your way to achievement.

Try these techniques to achieve your goals:

1. Pick realistic goals. One of the most frequent issues is that you may pick goals that aren’t realistic. Perhaps you want to travel around the globe, read hundreds of books, and start your own business. Logistically speaking, some of your goals might simply not be possible any time soon. You may not have the money for travel, you don’t have the time to read, and pursuing your new business venture may require a lot of capital. It’s important to make your goals tangible. For example, instead of taking one long vacation spanning all the Earth’s continents, plan your one next big adventure to visit a country.

2. Break goals into a journey. It’s easy to set a goal, miss it, and get upset. Instead of doing this to yourself with each resolution, try a different way. View your goal as a long-term journey, where each leg of the journey leads up to where you’ll finally arrive. Create a plan that will get you to that goal. Set milestones and rewards along the way.

3. Measure your progress. In some cases, you may be close to achieving your goal, but you give up too soon. By measuring your progress, you’ll be able to see what you’re doing more clearly. You’ll be more motivated to stay on the journey and keep pushing toward your resolution. Set up a system to track your progress. Try different tools, such as calendars, journals, or logs to keep track of your goals and see which system works best for you.

4. Ask for help. Sometimes you might fail simply because you don’t ask for help and try to do everything by yourself. Perhaps a little help will bring you success! It’s normal to need help along your journey. You may need an entire support network behind you to achieve your goal. Turn to friends, family, coworkers, and others for support. Asking for help can help you achieve your goals faster and make the entire process easier as you work toward your target.

5. Feel free to adjust goals. You don’t have to stick with an old goal. Sometimes goals need to be changed and modified. You may evolve as a person and realize that your earlier ambitions are no longer relevant. Your present is constantly affecting your mindset and the way you perceive things. You accumulate knowledge, wisdom, and experience over time that affects your goals.

6. Stay aware of growth. You will continue to grow even if you don’t reach your goals. In some cases, failure may be a blessing because it teaches you valuable life lessons you wouldn’t have realized before. Without failure, you may not change enough to grow. Failure isn’t the end, and you can always set new goals. It’s more important to grow and become stronger than to reach every goal on your list.

Remember, your list will also change, so it won’t look the same as when you started. Be proactive about your goals! Take effective actions that support you and your goals, and you’ll find that achievement comes much easier.

Are You Following Your Own Path, or Someone Else’s?

It’s not easy to find your way through the world. You might have interests that don’t coincide with the values of your parents or with those of western society. It’s important to remember that everyone is different, and while the status quo might work for the majority of the population, it doesn’t work for everyone.

To have a truly fulfilling life, you must live it on your own terms. There are plenty of forces willing to tell you what your path should be:

1. Parents. Your parents want you to be happy and successful. They love you, and they want you to thrive and blossom. Many of them may also like to be able to brag to their friends about their children. 🙂  Most parents tend to be practical in their advice. Just remember that you’d have a similar life to them if you always followed their advice. That might be good or bad. Keep in mind that you are not the same as your parents. You also have your own life to live. You owe it to yourself to live a life that’s right for YOU.
2. Educational system. The educational system wants to turn out productive people into society that conform to their ways of thinking. This might be great for society, but it might not always be in your best interests. What if you want to be a rockstar, or take a few years to travel and write a book, own an alpaca farm, or become a Buddhist monk in Sri Lanka? Your school guidance counsellor might be less than supportive of such pursuits!
3. Society as a whole. We, in the Western world, live in a society that places a strong value on achievement, financial resources, and personal possessions. We’re supposed to get married to a “perfect” partner, have a few kids, and own a house in the suburbs. It’s natural to want to play that game because we’ve all been so deeply indoctrinated to view these as measures of a “successful” life, even if it doesn’t quite suit our true nature. It’s nice to have the admiration of society, our ego minds crave this type of recognition. But the type of life dictated by society isn’t alwaysa good fit for everyone. There are plenty of people that are highly successful by society’s criteria that are profoundly unhappy with how their lives turned out. 

Toronto Mindful Solutions Clinic

 

As you can see, plenty of people are willing to influence your choice of lifestyle and career. But it’s unlikely that their advice will be optimal for you all the time. Be an individual and find the path that works best for you. Find and follow your own path with these strategies:

1. Ask yourself what you really want to do. Don’t say that you don’t know, because you do know. You’re just afraid to allow it to see the light of day. You might be concerned what others think, or you might be afraid that you’re not capable of doing it. Deep down, if you turned inward and listened to the whispers in your heart, you know what you want. Ask yourself what you would do if you could do anything, and then listen to the answer.
2. Decide that you’re going to follow your path. One of the biggest obstacles to success is failing to make a true decision. A decision only occurs when you shut yourself off to other possibilities. If you frequently change your mind, you’re not making true decisions.
3. Make a plan. Rome wasn’t built in a day. So set up a schedule of daily tasks that will bring you closer to living the life that you have chosen. In doing so, you’re practically guaranteed success provided you don’t give up.

Your life is your responsibility. If you find yourself stuck living someone else’s definition of success, you’ll find yourself unhappy. The people that influenced you to live this way will be off living their own best lives. Take control of your destiny and find your own path. Your life will be more interesting, more satisfying, and uniquely your own!

8 Steps to Realizing Your Full Potential

Toronto Mindful Solutions Clinic

Most people look back on their life and wonder what they could have accomplished if they’d only been more decisive and committed. You can avoid that kind of regret by choosing to become the best you can at something. Think about it for a moment. What do you want to master?

Follow this process to be the best version of you that you can be:

1. Assess your strengths. Your greatest potential will involve one or more of your strengths. Most strengths can be applied to any endeavour with a focused approach. The first step is to identify these strengths. What are you better at than nearly everyone you know? What has always been easy for you? What are you best at?
2. Assess your weaknesses. Do the same with your weaknesses. While weaknesses can, and often should, be strengthened, it’s helpful to avoid them at all costs when it’s time to get busy. Relying on your weaknesses increases the odds of failure.
3. What do you like? It’s not just about effort and skill. It’s about putting in enough time to be successful. That’s easier to do when you enjoy what you’re doing. You might have great potential to be the world’s greatest golfer, but if you can’t stand the game, you’ll never do it. More importantly, you wouldn’t want to anyway. Think about what you enjoy doing. What activities cause you to lose track of time?
4. What do you want to accomplish? Now that you know your strengths, weaknesses, and likes, you can decide what you want to master. You can’t do much without making this important decision. Everything going forward depends on this decision. Think carefully. Consider how you will measure mastery. Is it when you can drive a golf ball 300 yards 9 times out of 10? Play a specific piece of music on the piano? Earn $1 million in a year? How will you know you’ve won?
5. Avoid distractions. Distractions are the enemy to progress. We all have things we enjoy doing that accomplish nothing other than providing temporary amusement. Make a list of your favourite distractions. How willing are you to avoid these items? This is a good indicator of your potential for success.
6. Find a mentor. You can’t reach your ultimate potential without a mentor, coach, advisor, or whatever title you prefer. It can shave years off your learning curve and help you to avoid the mistakes you’re destined to make on your own. Seek out the best in your field and make contact. At the very least, read books on the topic written by experts. The library can provide you with plenty of mentors.
7. Make a commitment. Mastery requires commitment. It’s the commitment to develop yourself, overcome obstacles, and to put in the necessary time. It’s the commitment to find a mentor and to avoid those appealing distractions.
8. Focus on improvement. Seek regular small improvements. Consistent progress is the key to mastery. Mastering anything can take years, or even decades. If perfection is your daily goal, you’ll be disappointed. Weekly progress is an attainable goal that can keep you going. Have you ever truly committed yourself to anything? Now can be that time. What interests you? What do you want to know inside and out? Mastering anything can give you a new level of pride and confidence.

It takes some sacrifice to master anything because you have less time available for other pursuits. However, most people find it’s worth the sacrifice. So…. What do you want to master?

Top 10 Powerful Words to Keep You Motivated

Toronto Mindful Solutions Clinic

No matter where you are on your life journey, setbacks can cause disappointment and a loss of momentum.

Whether it’s a new career you’re working towards or an overall appreciation of life, every step towards fulfilment can seem financially, emotionally, or psychologically draining from time to time.

To boost your confidence, here’s a list of the top 10 power words and tips to keep you motivated and passionate, no matter what life throws your way:

1. Purpose. Whenever you’re feeling discouraged or disappointed, always remember your original purpose. Reminding yourself of the original reason for venturing down your path in the first place will help refresh your mind when things go awry.
2. Planning. Though you may think that you’ve done enough planning towards the fulfilment of your goal, thinking it through again will help eliminate aspects of your plan of action that may be causing you setbacks. Put all your thoughts down on paper, from the smallest details to the larger movements. Being able to see the timeline of your mission will help you focus on taking one step at a time to reach your goals.
3. Acceptance. Accepting that you’re a human being who’s bound to have ups and downs is absolutely crucial to your success. Without this self-acceptance, you’ll be subject to a foggy mind that’s unable to think positively, clearly, and innovatively.  Acceptance of what hasn’t worked in the past helps you gain a better knowledge of what will work in the future.
4. Reward. When your motivation starts to wean, it’s crucial to give yourself rewards along the way. This is one of the best ways to stay motivated on your path to success. By giving yourself a taste of what you’re working for – whether it’s financial freedom, career responsibility, or your dream lifestyle – you won’t feel like you’re working so hard for nothing. This refreshes your mind and helps you work more productively.
5. Health. You know what this entails: moderate exercise, a healthy diet, and 7-8 hours of sleep per night. Feeling worn-down will make it almost impossible to pursue your goals and vision with the same clarity and vigour you had when you first set out. Take care of your basic needs first, and you’ll be strong enough to pursue your dreams.
6. Motivation. Research motivational books, CDs, and seminars. Sometimes hearing motivational tips from a different perspective can greatly motivate you to act and succeed. Find a source or two that touches you in some way and keep them close for those moments when you feel discouraged. After all, we all get discouraged at one time or another.
7. Organization. Ever feel depressed and worn out, and then you clean your surroundings and instantly feel more focused and motivated? The same applies to your goal. Organize and clean house when it comes to the operation of your goal.  Organizing yourself gives you a fresh start and a feeling of clarity. In doing so, you’ll be able to attack your short and long-term goals more vigorously and effectively.
8. Refresh. Refresh your plan with something new. It could be a different tactic, setting, or career. Whatever it is, break out of the pattern you’re in and try something new. Even if this new tactic doesn’t yield positive results immediately, at the very least it will make you aware of the availability of your options.
9. Networking. Reach out to people in your industry or those who share your life goal. You can do this a number of ways: check out local clubs, find a plethora of people online, or talk to existing contacts that may have already succeeded in your goal.  Having someone to voice your struggles, questions, and experience to will invigorate you to keep moving forward.
10. Action. Taking action, despite doubts and setbacks, will further your progress. By moving on, despite any pessimistic thoughts, you will motivate yourself by the sheer momentum of doing something proactive to change your circumstances.

Whenever you feel like your progress has stalled, or you simply want some quick inspiration, look to these 10 powerful words and strategies to spur you on. You’re sure to find something to get you back on track toward success!

7 Steps to Banishing a Limiting Belief

Limiting beliefs are dysfunctional ideas/beliefs that we make up about ourselves, others and the world around us. Like the name suggests, they inhibit and hold us back from positive growth. We all have them, to varying extents, but the good news is that there are ways to banish them for good. Ready? Here we go:

7 Steps To Banishing A Limiting Belief – Toronto Mindful Solutions Clinic